1  “Give your martini a kick by soaking olives in dry vermouth the night before,” says Stephen Kittredge Cunningham, author of The Bartender’s Black Book.

2  Eliminate echoes by hanging fabric shades and covering hard floors with area rugs, says acoustical expert Bonnie Schnitta, Ph.D., president of SoundSense.

3  “When splitting firewood, strike the left and right of center once. Then hit the middle,” says Arden Cogar Jr., holder of 19 lumberjacking world records.

4  Avoid belches on dates by drinking beer from a glass. It releases more carbonation, says Ed Westemeier, a certified grand master beer judge.

5  “Instead of Dolby Pro Logic, use Dolby Digital, Dolby TrueHD, DTS, or DTS-HD for better surround sound,” says audio consultant Ken Pohlmann.

6  Pet owner? Avoid furniture with chunky wooden legs. They look like chew toys, says Suzanne Lasky, owner of S Interior Design.

7  Warm up a room by adding a red or orange lampshade. “You’ll create a focal point and enhance other textures,” says David Ghatan, a lighting architect for C.M. Kling & Associates.

Ask Johnny the Contractor

Truckloads of Wisdom

Illustration by Richard May

My girlfriend moved in, and she’s suffocating me with her stuff. How do I reclaim my space? 
Damon, Miami, FL
I once worked with an architect who strutted onto my project and tried to tell me how to build the house. I didn’t understand his mentality, but I listened to his ideas. And you know what? In the end, by working together, we built a better home. Make room for your girlfriend and I bet you two will do the same.

I just got a great bid from a carpenter. Nice guy, but he’s a one-man operation. How can I tell if he’s a pro?
Andrew, Tucson, AZ
You can learn more about a carpenter from his truck than from his résumé. The next time he swings by, meet him in the driveway and peek into his flatbed. Is it scraped up and dinged? Good. Those are battle scars from years of hard work. Next, check the cab. Is the passenger seat littered with trash? Bad sign—that’s how he’s going to leave your house at the end of each day. Finally, look at the gearshift. Is it an automatic? Run! Men who are good with their hands drive sticks.

My buddy is a plumber. How can I ask him to unclog my sink for free without messing up our friendship?
Chris, Nashville, TN
What’s more important to you, Chris, a leaky faucet or a broken friendship? Crafts­men like us work too damn hard for a living to go around doling out our expertise for free. When we’re off the clock, we want to relax just like you do, so give us some peace. Aw, screw that. Give us a six-pack and we’ll be right over.

My girlfriend says my den would make a great place for a baby’s room some day. I want my den, and I don’t want a baby. How should I respond?
Matt, Hyde Park, VT
I once had a customer ditch his original plans for the house after we had already poured the foundation. I told him, “Look, buddy, once you lay the foundation, you can’t go changing your mind.” Your girlfriend is simply trying to determine whether your relationship is a sturdy enough foundation on which to build a family. If you’re holding a different set of plans, say so.

The kids are screaming for a swing set, but it’ll be a big zit on my backyard, which I work so hard to keep perfect. Level with me: Am I being unreasonable?
Tim, High Point, NC
You’re right about one thing, Tim: There’s nothing uglier than a heap of rotting 2x4s and rusting chains in the backyard. And you’ll definitely notice both—in about 15 years. In the meantime, you’ll just see your kids playing, smiling, laughing, and growing up way too fast. Trust me, you’ll have plenty of time to work on your lawn after the kids leave the nest, at which point you’ll wish they were home messing it up.


Need a hand? Drop Johnny a line.