By Anonymous Scumbag Contractor

1  Too-low estimates
If one estimate is more than 10 percent lower than the others, be wary. This is probably just a ploy to land the job. After the contractor starts the project, he’ll tell you that certain work or materials aren’t included or that some problem has cropped up that requires a complicated or expensive fix.

2  Too-high deposits
One-third down is customary, with another third due in the
middle of the job and the rest at completion. If a contractor asks for more, he probably has credit problems, owes subcontractors, or even owes his suppliers. This doesn’t mean he’ll do a crappy job or try to rip you off, but the chances are much higher that he’ll cut corners.

3  Unwarranted change fees
You’ve settled on a contractor, signed a contract, and handed over a deposit. But wait! You forgot to mention the extra phone jack you want, which will cost the contractor less than $50 in time and materials. You call him and he quotes you a price of $150, citing the “change fee” clause in your contract. This is excessive, especially before work has begun. Ask your contractor to strike this from the contract. Most will.

4  Unnecessary parts
Most leaky faucets are caused by a worn washer on the hot-water valve. It’s a $1 part, but a disreputable plumber will say you need
a new faucet. This type of deception happens in most of the building trades. Always ask to see the defective parts.

5  Substitute materials
Here, the contractor buys premium products, charges you for them, but installs lesser materials left over from a previous job. Protect yourself by knowing the brand names of the products you want—Bruce hardwood floor, Ralph Lauren paint, Toto bathroom fixtures. Double-check that you’re getting what you paid for as the job progresses.

Ask Johnny the Contractor

Truckloads of Wisdom

We have an empty space. My girlfriend wants a sewing room. I want a poker room. What’s my best bet?
Brian, Harrisonburg, VA
I’ve worked enough jobs to know you aren’t gonna win, Brian, so I’d put my chips on compromise. Explain the situation to your contractor and let him draw up the plans—maybe a table in the middle, dark shades on the windows, neutral cabinets. Her stuff goes on one side, yours on the other. You could even put a wet bar in there and close it off so she doesn’t see it. Voilà, sewing room by day, poker room by night.

What’s the one must-have tool every guy should own?
Robert, Racine, WI
I’m going to have to pick two, Robert. The first is a brain, which will allow him to tackle any project with creativity and imagination. The second is patience, which will enable him to work with the precision of an engineer. That said, you’d be amazed at what you can accomplish with a good miter saw.

Where’s the best place to hide my valuables?
Andy, Denver, CO
Ah, the bank. But I assume you want your stuff within reach, which means you have two choices: strength or stealth. That is, you can invest in an expensive safe that can’t be moved without a crane, or you can make a secret compartment where no crook would think to look. I’ve built more than a few little wooden boxes into the exposed beams of the basement. I make it look like nothing; only the homeowner knows it’s something. And you can buy fake soda cans and hollowed-out books online. Whatever you do, don’t hide anything under your mattress or in the refrigerator, unless it’s, respectively, vintage swimsuit issues or Klondike bars.

The wife and kids want a pool, which I know isn’t a great investment. Should I tell them to shut up, or should I just dive in?
John, Pittsburgh, PA
Here’s what you need to know about pools:
1 They’re expensive and don’t add a dime to the value of your home. 
2 The upkeep will drain your wallet faster than any other home improvement.
3 They’re often a fantastic investment—in your family and in your sex life. A pool will make your wife’s dream come true in much the same way a BMW 6 Series might for you, and it’ll keep your kids close to home every summer. You really can’t put a price on that.


Need a hand? Drop Johnny a line.