BY NICOLE BELAND, MEN'S HEALTH GIRL NEXT DOOR
The Hell’s Angel
You’ll need: Cushy couch arm Your partner kneels on the couch, lying over the arm and tilting her hips forward so her clitoris rubs the upholstery. Sit behind her as if you were riding a motorcycle and then park your Harley in her garage.
The Farrah Faucet
You’ll need: Kitchen sink, pull-out spray faucet The sink is too dangerous for sex (one slip equals two concussions), but it makes a great naughty water park. Prop her up so that she’s sitting over the basin, supporting her weight with her arms. Use the pull-out spray hose to treat her girl parts to an aqua massage. If she’s game, give her backdoor a liquid tickle, too.
The Full Service
You’ll need: Kitchen table After dinner, have her for dessert She lies on the table, faceup, so her bum hangs just a few inches off the edge. Grab her ankles and hold her legs in the shape of a V. Try penetrating her at different angles—straight ahead, slightly to each side, slightly up or down, and in circles.
The Otto-Erotica
You’ll need: Ottoman, desk Place an ottoman about * feet away from your desk. Ask her to rest her head and upper back on the ottoman and her calves on the desk, while you stand between her legs. The angle of her body is conducive to G-spot stimulation.
The Turner Classic
You’ll need: Easy chair This is basically a seated 69 She places her left hand beside your left thigh and her right hand beside your right thigh, then swings her right knee onto your right shoulder and her left onto your left shoulder. She can either arch her back and rest her forearms on your thighs, enjoying herself, or push herself up into position to give as she receives.
The Rolling Bone
You’ll need: Office chair with wheels, dining chair Laziness was the mother of this invention. She sits on the edge of a rolling desk chair and leans backward. You sit in front of her on a stationary chair of equal height. Pull her chair in close (her legs can be tucked in to her chest or propped up on either set of arm rests) and dock your shuttle. Roll her chair back and forth at a slow, steady pace.
The Showtime Special
You’ll need: Sturdy coffee table, television Increase the number of times you get lucky by offering to get it on while she takes in Grey’s Anatomy—it’s fun to accelerate the pace during commercials. Turn the coffee table lengthwise, so it’s perpendicular to the TV screen, and lie on it faceup, with your feet near the screen. She sits on top of you, also facing the TV, and lowers herself onto your package. By gripping the sides of the table, she controls the pace.
Seduce Her With Your Space
Is your place girlfriend-friendly? Find out with our how-she’s-sizing-up-your-crib crib sheet.
By Lisa Jones; Photos by Andrew Southam
THE BATHROOM
Eventually, I will have to go to the bathroom. At first I’ll be preoccupied, hoping your fan is loud enough—and your walls thick enough—that you don’t hear me peeing. But after I flush, I will definitely check out your shower, peek in the medicine cabinet, and size up the rest of the room.
••• Green lights
_________________________
* Thick, understated shower curtain (Interesting, Good Taste)
* Clean toilet (Healthy, Considerate)
* Fluffy clean towels (Considerate, Good Taste)
DETOX THE BATHROOM. If I don’t want to drop my panties in your bathroom, I’m not going to drop them in the bedroom. Every man should own a Swiffer WetJet for the floor, a bottle of antibacterial cleaning wipes for the sink and toilet seat, and a disposable toilet scrubber for the bowl. (There’s nothing more disgusting than a brown-stained wand beside the toilet.) Or, if you’re really in a pinch, do this:
1 Pour 1 cup of baking soda and 1 gallon of hot water into your toilet. Wait an hour or two, then flush away the stains.
2 Mix equal parts vinegar and lemon juice. Wet a paper towel with it and wipe the sink, toilet seat, and floor.
TREAT MY NAKED BODY RIGHT. A lot of guys have a single, threadbare gray towel in the bathroom. Did it start out gray or white or what? When it comes to linens and things, remember this rule: Anything my delicate bits might at some point tonight or in the near future come in contact with should be clean, soft, and no more than * years old.
••• Red lights
_________________________
* Absence of toilet paper or soap, magazines on the floor (JV)
* Condom wrapper in the wastepaper basket or box of condoms in the medicine cabinet (Player)
* That unique guy-bathroom smell of aftershave, Listerine, and Irish Spring (JV)
* More than one toothbrush in the holder when you live alone (Emotional Baggage)
EXTERMINATE ALL EX EVIDENCE. “Any sign of another woman is an absolute killer,” says Fisher. “Women want to know where they stand, who they’re competing with. Evolution has programmed us to chase the best man, even if that means climbing over other women.” Unless you want to see your date’s claws come out, delete all signs of your previous leading lady’s presence in your palace. These include, but are not limited to, ponytail holders, hair conditioner in the shower, women’s deodorant or a tampon in the medicine cabinet, photos of the two of you together flashing on your laptop screen, “Julie’s Bedtime Mix” on the iPod SoundDock, and episodes of Grey’s Anatomy on TiVo.
THE BEDROOM
Whether I’m here for the night or just taking a peek as I cruise down the hall from the bathroom (you definitely should leave the bedroom door open), I’ll want to see . . .
••• Green lights
_________________________
* Soft, gentle bedside lamp (Considerate)
* Tab curtains or wooden blinds (Good Taste)
* The World without Us and 1,000 Places to See before You Die on your nightstand (Interesting, Fun)
* Toolbox, tucked neatly in a corner (Handy)
* Headboard (Good Taste)
BUY A MAN’S BED, WILL YA? Nothing screams “single guy” louder than a bed pushed up against a wall in the corner of a room, with no entrance on “my” side. Position your bed on the longest wall in the room, headboard against the wall. A headboard indicates you’ve moved on to the stage in life where you can afford nonessential furnishings, for purely aesthetic purposes. Also invest in a couple of shams to stick behind your pillows. They look classy—especially the square, European-style ones—and create a padded barrier between our backs and the headboard, should we ever sit up in bed chatting. And between our heads and the headboard, should we find ourselves conversing horizontally.
••• Red lights
_________________________
* How to Make Love like a Porn Star, by Jenna Jameson, on the nightstand (JV, Player)
* Messy desk, big piles of laundry or other clutter (JV)
* Large mirror near the bed (Player)
* Silk or animal-print sheets (Trying Too Hard, Player)
CREATE A SANCTUARY. “Women are extremely sensitive to their environments,” says Kerner. “Being in a warm, positive, nurturing space will help them relax and enjoy sex more.” Unless you live in a tiny studio apartment, keep your work out of sight. Hide your dirty laundry, too—balled-up dirty socks and boxers are decidedly unattractive.
LURE HER TO BED. I’m most impressed by a man who has a fluffy down comforter. This greatly increases the chances that I’ll jump into bed naked. It should be a solid color or have a simple pattern. No woman can resist 500-thread-count sheets, but if you’re on a budget, T-shirt sheets are an equally soft alternative.
